1. That Guy Who Hits on You at the Drugstore
You are really going to ask me out while I’m in the process of buying a box of tampons and a bag of Funions? You approached me about a year ago in the same place. I can feel that you are a creeper, likely 40, and still live in your mom’s basement (and probably collect human hair). I’m just going to hit you with a quick, “I’m taken,” and get on with my life.
2. The Telemarketer
This is what happens when I’ve finally fallen for answering a random number from Omaha, Nebraska that blows up my phone four times a day. No, I do not want to buy your life insurance policy (although I do want to murder myself as you are speaking about it), nor do I want to buy a bag of limited edition bronze coins with a bald eagle on it. A reply of, “Do not call me.” Ever. Again. You are making me hate Nebraska and I’ve never even been there!” will suffice.
3. That Person Trying to Make You Sign a Petition on the Street
Sure, I love women’s rights, Orca whales, and the environment but for the love of god, I’m running late to work and really have to pee. I will respond to your cause with, “Perhaps you should learn what the Internet is and try Kickstarter,” and keep walking. Cue the hairflip.
4. That Guy Who Hits on You on the Street
You saw me walking and now you want to get to know me? You are wearing a Puka shell necklace, your socks are pulled up to your calves, and you smell like incense. WHO ARE YOU? No, I don’t want to get to know you. I will look at you straight in the face and pretend to mime that I’m in a box and can’t hear you. Then I walk away. Boosh! See ya.
5. Dead Sea Minerals People at the Mall
They always stroke my hand, tell me that I need to moisturize with special mineral compounds from Israel, and make me try everything until I’ve dropped $100+ dollars on a lotion. But really, I don’t have time for that. I have better things to do like eat pretzels from Auntie Anne’s and try out back massagers at Sharper Image. Solution? I’m just going to run. And never look back.
6. Bill Collector
Don’t pick up.
7. That Guy that Hits on You at the Bar
He’s really touchy. Why is he groping my waist and saying “babe” a lot? He’s wearing pointy dress shoes, sandblasted jeans, and an undershirt. Are his tips…frosted? I’m beginning to wonder, “What year is this and why did I come to this bar again?” I’m getting distracted by his heinous soul patch. I just wanted to get a beer with my friend from college. Ugh, is that his friend coming over? Oh god, his friend is wearing a blazer and a mock-turtleneck. I can’t handle this. THE WORST. “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to even look at you yet.”
8. Your Ex-Boyfriend Who You Randomly See on the Street
I don’t tell him how well I’m doing — that’s boring and mature. Especially, because I don’t want to talk to him. I just say, “I’m pregnant!” and sometimes I throw in “It’s yours!” if I’m feeling feisty. He’ll run like the wind.
9. If You Don’t Feel Like Using Words for Any of the Above
The facial motion below will always work:
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