It’s probably not healthy to get into bed with someone with a list of dos and don’ts in your head. Most of these situations depend on the chemistry between two different people, and there are many other variables. But we all know that I’m not particularly “healthy” in the realm of dating, so I developed a list of dos and dont’s in bed:
Don’t Try to Give Me a Hand Job
There are few things that I’m an expert in, but pleasing myself with my hand is one of them. Any girl who attempts to manipulate my apparatus is at a disadvantage. Hand jobs were awesome in 9th grade, when getting it touched was new, and I was a mere novice in the realm of autoerotica. If you are brazen enough to try it, please take your rings off! A gentle touch is fun, but not a hand job. In the case of hand jobs, I like to drive.
Do Have a Sense of Humor
It keeps things lighthearted and relaxed.
Don’t Tell Me to Make You Feel a Certain Way
I wish I could just do without thinking. My overactive brain prevents me from giving in to my animal instincts. Now when a girl is like: “Make me feel this way, NOW…” during pillow talk, I’m just like: “Wow, I don’t think I can do that.” I’m definitely not a pro, and I don’t like being put on the spot. So, I’m reminded of The Smiths’ “Pretty Girls Make Graves” when I’m with a girl who is ready to go:
“You tug my arm and say give up to lust, give up to lust,
Oh Heaven knows we’ll soon be dust…
…I could have been wild and I could have been free,
But Nature played this trick on me.
She wants it now and she will not wait.
But she’s too rough and I’m too delicate.”
Wow I have a lot of issues.
Do Make It Obvious When I’m Doing Something Good
I’m like a smoke detector in bed, literally sensing every signal she’s putting out. If something seems negative, I stop doing that move immediately. If she’s acting like she likes it, then I keep doing it and I remember it. And talking about it helps too. If you tell a guy he did something good in bed, like any kind gesture, he will definitely remember it forever.
Don’t Do Anything Too Long
Believe it or not, I’ve had BJs that last too long. After a while, my mind wanders…regardless of what we are doing. So, if you keep doing something for a while, it gets awkward and monotonous. It’s not fun to have to tell a girl, “You have to stop this” so be vigilant (because I feel rude saying I don’t like something, so I just suffer through it).
Do Be Fair with “Lazy” Positions
Sex is tiring, especially when you’re in extended periods of strenuous positions. We all need a break. For me this break comes when I get to lie flat on the bottom. When I’m in the energetic “giving” positions, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I tell myself I can’t slow down or stop or she’ll be disappointed so I just (again) suffer through it. And trust me, I’m not in the best shape. Switch it up if someone seems tired.
Don’t Get Too Kinky Too Fast
You have to pace yourself: Don’t break out the bunny mascot and handcuffs two days after your first encounter, which happened to be missionary with the lights out.
Do Have Respect for Yourself, Your Partner, and Those Around You
You know when you’re staying in a house on vacation with friends, there’s always that couple that can’t go a few days without sex, so it’s totally awkward in the close quarters? People disrespect themselves through sex too: A video recently circled the Internet featuring two college students having sex on the floor of a pub bathroom in a deep puddle of beer-muck. You should have the foresight to care about how you both feel during and after the act. And don’t make other people part of it nearby (although some people are into that).
Don’t Give Me Any Idea How Great Your Ex Was in Bed
Please don’t let me know that your ex was an “animal in bed,” doing things I could never dream of trying. This is one of the cases where “what I don’t know won’t kill me” truly makes sense.
What do you think of my dos and dont’s, and what are examples of dos and dont’s in bed for you? Are they similar to mine?
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