RIP to chivalry — it’s been real. While antiquated gender roles are shedding like a cat in heat, we can’t say we don’t miss a little etiquette at least. However, should the trade-up be a bombastic influx of badass feminists who give no fucks about what a dude thinks about how she runs her life, we will gladly take the latter.
The posthumous figure in place of chivalry however is one we do not care for — the fuccboi or fuckboy, if you will. If you don’t know what that is by now, trust that you most definitely have known at least one in your life or are possibly currently dealing with one now. Not going to get into details, but they are almost as resilient as they are annoying (and very rude).
When you’ve lost all patience but can’t seem to shake them, know that you have beauty on your side with a bevy of tricky armor to confuse and elude the fuckboy. For anyone who’s had perfectly good eye makeup melted away by fuckboy-inspired tears, know that beauty, while unexpected, may be the very kryptonite that we’ve been overlooking as a means for self-preservation.
And to all the dudes who still believe that women wear makeup to land a man — oh HO HO, are you about to eat your words. Bon appétit, fuckboys.
Beeqbox F*ckboy Repellent Highlight, $15
Obviously. Fuckboys are simpletons, not unlike moths or sneaky sewer-dwelling rodents, attracted to all things bright and shiny. Highlight it up in this gold powder highlighter called “Stay mad” (lol), which dude probably will when you stop responding to his texts.
Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Woolf, $20
Black lipstick veers goth, which there’s totally nothing wrong with — but some fuckboys are into that and will probably try and get a word in edgewise about it. This smoky grey however is a bit more unexpected but also very don’t talk to me with an air of how dare you.
Dr. Jart+ Hydration Lover Rubber Mask, $12
If a fuckboy finds his way into your home, just be super gracious and casual and make yourself entirely too comfortable as you don this hydrating rubber mask and literally spook the dude away while simultaneously hydrating. Bye boi.
Fur Oil for Pubic Hair, $44
There’s something very post-modern about this very chic bottle of oil, meant to condition and nourish your nether-fluff, as one does. The bottle is so chic-looking that there’s nothing wrong just leaving out on your dresser for a fuckboy to spy and realize that you’re not the waxing type. I mean, even if you are, you can still incorporate this into your lady routine, but he doesn’t have to know that. Confuse them with your commitment to elegant non-grooming!
Demeter Riding Crop Cologne Spray, $20
This sounds rather salacious and for all intents and purposes, it can be. The heavy leather aroma, spiked with a hint of spice veers very much masculine — confusing for a fuckboy who’s probably use to getting it on in a complicit cloud of Jean Paul Gaultier or Marc Jacobs Daisy. If nothing else, this leathery scent is a very boss bitch fragrance for when you’re the one with the whip, which you are.
Violent Lips Red Leopard Glitter Lip Tattoo, $5
These lip appliqués are so very extra. There’s a lot going on here: red, glitter, leopard print — it’s basically every eye-catching thing together, which somehow makes it all the more repelling in a don’t you dare kiss me sort of way.
Milk Makeup Eye Vinyl in Tunnel, $20
Eye gloss is a great way to get a dramatic editorial look that’s a bit more unexpected than a standard smoky eye. The cool slick effect makes you look like a futuristic raver — but then do it in black and it makes it so much more aggressive. Aggressive enough that any fuckboy should see your glossy glare and just know that you are not to be fucked with.
Conair Custom Cut Home Haircutting Kit, $16.99
For the extremist in you, if all else fails, shave your head. I mean, this is a COMMITMENT for sure, but pro: you’ll join the badass ranks of Charlize Theron in Mad Max, Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta, and Demi Moore in GI Jane.
Pro: This is the definitive fuckboy-repelling look because fuckboys largely have very conventional views of beauty.
Con: There could be an awkward grow-out period.
Pro: Hair grows.
More ways to be a beauty boss bitch:
- How This 64-Year-Old Woman Learned to Love Her Gray Hair
- Cara Delevingne Goes Bald for New Movie, “Life in a Year”
- Beyond Mommy Dearest: The Enduring Style Legacy of Joan Crawford
- 1 Beeqbox F*ckboy Repellent Highlight, $15
- 2 Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Woolf, $20
- 3 Dr. Jart+ Hydration Lover Rubber Mask, $12
- 4 Fur Oil for Pubic Hair, $44
- 5 Demeter Riding Crop Cologne Spray, $20
- 6 Violent Lips Red Leopard Glitter Lip Tattoo, $5
- 7 Milk Makeup Eye Vinyl in Tunnel, $20
- 8 Conair Custom Cut Home Haircutting Kit, $16.99